The Insufferable Hay Fever Sufferer

The Age

Wednesday September 5, 2007

Jim Schembri

It's splatter guards at the ready as we prepare for the season of sneezing.

SPRING has arrived and with it comes an assortment of glories: the chirping of birds; the warmer weather; picnics in the park; flowers in the garden; alfresco dining; shorter skirts; and, of course, the return of the office hay fever sufferer.

Recognising your standard hay fever sufferer is very easy on account of how the part of their body normally referred to as "the head" now resembles a cantaloupe that has just gone 15 rounds with the George Foreman grill. It is soft and squishy and constantly leaking this clear, viscous fluid that resembles bathroom tile sealant.

Where once there were eyes there are now two bloodshot marbles oozing a constant stream of tears. Where once there was a nose there is now a large, red golf ball dedicated to the non-stop manufacturing of mucus. And where once there was a mouth there is now a gaping cavity from which emerge strange sounds from the depths of hell itself that, if you listen hard, seem to be pleading, "Please kill me."

And, of course, there is the sneezing. Sneezing, sneezing, sneezing. Try as he might, the average hay fever sufferer has control over neither the frequency nor the ferocity of his sneezes. Often the sneezes are so powerful that if the hay fever sufferer were to block his nose mid-sneeze and so hold the force of the sneeze in, his head would explode, just like the guy from Scanners.

It is very important to be sensitive to the suffering of the hay fever sufferer, who themselves are sensitive to the stress they place on those around them with their condition. Thus they will muffle their sneezes into their sleeves, blow their noses every three to five seconds and continually remind everybody within earshot after each bout of uncontrollable sneezing that "it's not contagious, it's not contagious".

In the hopes of easing their pain and making them feel better, many people pretend not to notice any of the symptoms. They will carry on as normal and simply ignore the running nose, the watering eyes, the rasping voice, the drowsiness and, of course, the sneezing.

So you try to carry on a conversation with the hay fever sufferer as though nothing is wrong with them. For those who have never tried this, here is what talking to a hay fever sufferer is like.

You: "Say, have you got those figures for me yet?"

Hay Fever Sufferer: "Yeah, sure. They're Whaa-Chew just over here. Whaa-Chew I've gone over them Whaa-Chew and they Whaa-Chew look fine to me Whaa-Chew but I think we'll need to Whaa-Chew double check Whaa-Chew the stats for the Whaa-Chew last quarter. Oh, and one other thing - Whaa-Chew."

After such an exchange it is advisable to wipe down before speaking to anybody else.

These people need help. Fortunately, there are many over-the-counter treatments available in the form of lozenges, antihistamine tablets and anticholinergic sprays. And the remarkable thing about all these excellent treatments is that none of them work.

Here's a fun fact. Hay fever is caused by the body's allergic reaction to pollens, dust mites, airborne mould and the music of Missy Higgins. It actually has nothing to do with hay. Try it. Throw a bale of hay at a hay fever sufferer and see if it makes any difference. Do this anyway.

It is important not to make light of those poor souls who suffer from hay fever. Official figures put the number of hay fever sufferers in the community at between 15 and 20 per cent. Now, this is a lot of people, but the important thing to remember is this: there are more of us than there are of them.

Clearly, we have the numbers. So why don't we all get together and do the democratic thing and just vote them off the island? Let's see a show of hands.

© 2007 The Age

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